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ARSCLIST  September 2005

ARSCLIST September 2005

Subject:

Fw: A message from John Cleese]

From:

Rod Stephens <[log in to unmask]>

Reply-To:

Association for Recorded Sound Discussion List <[log in to unmask]>

Date:

Wed, 28 Sep 2005 09:52:02 -0700

Content-Type:

text/plain

Parts/Attachments:

Parts/Attachments

text/plain (127 lines)

In light of our discussion of the 1953 Coronation, I hope this bit of 
lightness qualifies for inclusion in our ARSCLIST sharing, especially 
since many of our contributors are of British origin.  I hope our 
members will take this as a bit of "humour" to lighten our otherwise 
very serious discussions, and find a chuckle no matter what political 
orientation.  This was forwarded to me and my wife (a UK born, now 
American citizen) by our daughter.

Wishing all a lighter moment,

Rod Stephens
Family Theater Productions



-------- Original Message --------
Subject: 	Fw: A message from John Cleese
Date: 	Sat, 24 Sep 2005 11:40:32 -0700
From: 	Rod Stephens <[log in to unmask]>
	




 

A Message from John Cleese to the Citizens of the United States of America: 

In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and 
thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of 
your independence, effective immediately. 

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties 
over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which 
she does not fancy).  Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint 
a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress 
and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next 
year to determine whether any of you noticed. 

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following 
rules are introduced with immediate effect: 

You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.? Then 
look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed 
at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter 'U' will be 
reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.'  Likewise, you 
will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and 
the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will 
be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 
vocabulary). 

Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such 
as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of 
communication. 

There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your 
behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of 
the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.?  You will 
relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen. 

July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday. 

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, 
or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists 
shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. 

Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to 
sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then 
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun. Therefore, you will no 
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a 
vegetable peeler.  A permit will be required if you wish to carry a 
vegetable peeler in public. 

All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your 
own good.  When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. 

All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start 
driving on the left with immediate effect. 

At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without 
the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will 
help you understand the British sense of humour. 

The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been 
calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it. 

You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries 
are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips 
are properly called crisps.  Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal 
fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar. 

The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer 
at all.  Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as 
beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be 
referred to as Lager.  American brands will be referred to as 
Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of 
further confusion. 

Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good 
guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play 
English characters.  Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue 
in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's 
ears removed with a cheese grater. 

You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of 
proper football; you call it soccer. 

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which 
has some similarities to American football, but does not involve 
stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body 
armour like a bunch of nancies). 

Further, you will stop playing baseball.  It is not reasonable to host 
an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside 
of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world 
beyond your borders, your error is understandable. 

You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad. 

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's 
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all 
monies due (backdated to 1776). 

Thank you for your co-operation.

 

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